Difficulties in social situations

You have probably also been faced by a situation where you need to ask someone for something or when I have to say no to a person? For me these situations often feel stressful. Sometimes so stressful that I need days in advance to mentally prepare and after the situation I find myself sweaty and shaking. It would be great to avoid these horrible situations altogether!

Unfortunately that is not really a sustainable solution.  

 

I recently read something relieving. Apparently it is a skill to maintain relationships and self-respect while being confident in asking for things or saying no. Yes please! 

I had never thought that one could treat social behavior as skill, but it makes sense I guess?

This magical skill of better tomorrow consists of two key abilities, 1) analyzing social situations and 2) determining one's goals. Sounds so … doable. But what does it mean in practice? 

In a nutshell it is mindfulness in a social context. In which, to be honest, maybe the word awareness is more descriptive. Alright, so 1) being aware of what is happening in the social situation, both within oneself as well as outside and 2) being aware of different goals and options. I don’t know about you but, for me, it sounds quite overwhelming. I mean, a lot of the social situations are pure panic and survival.

Would there happen to be a step by step guide? Or something along those lines? Turns out there is! To be able to remain aware of the social situation one needs to recognize the obstacles. And then, overcome them the next time around. Here is a list of things that you should keep an eye for:

Lack of confidence and experience

Not knowing how to speak or act, in order to get what one wants, or how to say no a thing, while not losing the relationship or self-respect. Indecision or confusion about what you want. Lack of confidence in how to balance one's own needs with those of others. 

For example, I had asked for a day off from work for my birthday, but a collaborator wanted to have a meeting on that day. I just didn’t know how to express this nicely, in my history I haven’t really had the opportunity to defend my work-life balance boundaries, so I didn’t say anything. My boss saved me tho <3. Next time, I know I can just say it is not a good date. 

In short, when you notice that this is occurring to you practice and get feedback on your actions. Get experience, get messy, and get some of that sweet confidence.

I have found that writing a script of a possible conversation in my journal helps with this. 

Interfering emotions

Sometimes, the current underlying mood or something you have just heard or felt can cause a rapid emotional response. Sometimes, you just feel so threatened to settle a situation that the long term goal slips away. This can feel as if  there is simply not enough mental space to consider consequences.

Like when you feel like your partner has said something deeply insulting to you. You want to tear the world down, you want to tear him down, but ultimately, you just want to be understood. There is solace in accepting that no amount of ragy behavior is going to lead to a happy ending.

Speaking of journaling, I have found that recording these emotions afterwards is good practice to recognize when they are trying to overtake you. 

Interfering thoughts

Myths, worries, assumptions, the way you think you should act and react if you represent a certain gender or age or because of what the kid next door said 30 years ago. If you can’t see (observe) something, then it is probably a myth, a worry or an assumption.

I have started to record these thoughts in my journal as well.  I have been able to challenge these thoughts, by listing when I wanted to ask for something (usually help) or when I wanted to say no, and then backtracking to “why I didn’t”

Good old bad luck

When things truly are out of one’s influence one can only accept the situation. 

The effect of the odds is also easier to digest when sitting down and writing on paper exactly what has been going on.