Asking for things and saying no

Heya ^^

Asking for things or saying no can stir up a lot of anxiety. For me personally, I can feel unworthy or not

deserving of the thing I need to ask for. 

This time I wanted to share my experiments with the most practical tool from the book so far.

The d.e.a.r.m.a.n system. In summary, it is a checklist that you can lean on when asking for a thing

or saying no. Interestingly having a protocol can give confidence for asking or for saying no. I have

found that the best part of this technique is exactly that, it gives you confidence and makes you more

confident in asking what you need or saying no to a thing you want to refuse.

D - describe what is the situation, but just the facts that can be observed

For example, I have (legal) vacation days remaining

E - express, about how you feel and think

For example, I really need a vacation right now and I think now is a good time to have it.

Just a side note, I am really hesitant to bring up my own feelings. However, other people

won't know my feelings and can't consider them if I don't give them the opportunity.

A - assert, ask for the thing you want or say no

For example, can I have my vacation now?

R - reinforce, what would be gained if your request was granted

For example, I am feeling really exhausted and my work efficiency has gone down. This would

make me more effective and refreshed.

The next three steps were a real eye opener for me:

M - be mindful / focused. The other person might attack or challenge you. Or try to distract you.

Or try to evoke emotions in you. And this is what you need to practice mindfulness/awareness for.

Recognize these feelings and distractions, let them be and repeat your request calmly like a broken

record.

A - appear confident. Keep to the plan, don’t apologize, believe in yourself, or think that you want to

believe in yourself and act like you do, to make that happen.

N - negotiate. If your request is refused, try to find a common solution. Think beforehand what you

are willing to negotiate and what not. Think about what you are willing to put into the negotiation

table and what is non-negotiable for you.

For example, maybe I can have 2 days now and more later. Maybe if I don’t get any, I need to

leave this job! Or ask what the other person has to offer as a solution and see if it would work for you.

How did I practice?

As some of you might have learned, I am a huge empirical journaler. At first, I processed some

old traumas, like the one as an example of above. I wrote my responses as a monologue and

imagined every part of the protocol in an old situation that was causing me anxiety and recurring

trauma in a similar situation. Then, I moved onto spotting arising situations and handling them in

my journal. Until finally, I tried my skills in real time. Easing myself into it felt like it was the right way.

~<3 nu

x